From September 22, 2011

Yesterday may have been the last day we speak to each other for a very long time. I simply wanted to visit you, but you are not ready for that, and made it known in a much colder way than I had hoped. I had hoped you would be open to seeing me for the first time since June, but it is not to be. And apparently, anything I do will not work to win your heart again. You told me you don't need or want me in your life, and that you should have broken up with me sooner. That really hurt. I deserve to hear you say things like that, but it still really hurts. Before my infidelity, we hit a rough patch - a patch neither of us desired where we fought more than necessary. I had yearned to see you so we could enjoy time together and move beyond the fights. I had hoped to use this summer to do that as well. Unfortunately, I found a way to ruin that goal. Instead of being closer, it seems like I pushed us exponentially apart. I've tried for five months to get past your anger and to your true feelings for me, but I have failed. You told me yesterday that I don't love you and that I don't know you. But such a statement is false, and simply filled with anger. You know that I love you, and right now, you hate that I know you better than the majority of the people on this Earth. You hate that the person who resisted telling you he loves you and kept you waiting for so long to see his commitment to you broke your heart before you even had a chance to work hard with him for two more weeks. You don't need or want me in your life right now because it hurts too much. And from your denial of me to remain a big part of your life, I hurt too much as well. I wake up earlier than I desire, shaking, fearing I'll never get to hold you again. I fear we won't be able to laugh at something on Rachel Maddow or another show. I break down and cry because I don't know when I'll see you again.


But even after all the meanness, I just want to see you happy. And clearly, there is no room for me to be a part of that happiness right now. Some say ever, but I never will believe that. I know that we'll be able to smile together again, and there will be pictures of us having a wonderful time. Unfortunately, that time is not now. I feel very empty knowing someone I love cannot stand the thought of me. But I grant you the space you need and deserve, knowing that I wouldn't really love you or respect you if I didn't.