When (and if) I kiss you again, you will be the last person I kiss romantically.
I've been wishing that Saturday would be our 25-month anniversary. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, and there would not have been anything better than taking a walk with you. Instead, we did not speak. Instead, I worked. Instead, today makes five months since you left me. I hope you had a great Saturday, though. I always wonder if you think of me on the first. Even if you don't think about me everyday, it would be nice to know if you thought/think of me then.
My thoughts are very scattered right now, perhaps more than ever. I see your funny posts and smile, knowing that I would love for you to share the backstory with me. But I have no idea when that will be again. I'm trying to find work I can enjoy and be proud of, but I wish I had my rock in you to be by my side as I search and struggle. Your support is so important to me, and nothing feels completely right without knowing how you would feel about it. I know I must live my own life in the end even if we are together once more, but I know that I want you to be a major piece of that journey.
I have not given up, and I will not give up. I love you too much to let you leave without ever trying again. What keeps me going are little signs I feel the Universe sends me, aside from my gut feeling. I know that we should be together again, and that no one else will fight for your heart like I have and will. You deserve someone amazing, and I am confident I still am that person. I hope with all of my being that you will allow me to show you.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
From September 22, 2011
But even after all the meanness, I just want to see you happy. And clearly, there is no room for me to be a part of that happiness right now. Some say ever, but I never will believe that. I know that we'll be able to smile together again, and there will be pictures of us having a wonderful time. Unfortunately, that time is not now. I feel very empty knowing someone I love cannot stand the thought of me. But I grant you the space you need and deserve, knowing that I wouldn't really love you or respect you if I didn't.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
From This Morning
The moment I give up is the moment I truly lose you.
My confidence in winning you back has stumbled a bit in the last couple of days.
It's the fear of the unknown. I have no idea how many days, weeks, months, or years it will take. But I've made it over four months now, and I am fighting still. Some or most may call it foolish, but they're the ones that gave up too soon.
My confidence in winning you back has stumbled a bit in the last couple of days.
It's the fear of the unknown. I have no idea how many days, weeks, months, or years it will take. But I've made it over four months now, and I am fighting still. Some or most may call it foolish, but they're the ones that gave up too soon.
From September 15, 2011
Did I abuse you?
Yes.
I mean, I know I never hit you, but I was abusive in an emotional sense at numerous points. I've thought about this a lot, but it's been brought to the surface over the last couple of weeks. In that time, I worked with a couple, Adam and Marissa, that's been doing the job for quite some time. Like you, Marissa was Adam's junior, albeit a few years difference instead. I am uncertain as to how long they were together, but it was quite the dynamic. A rather violent and abusive one. There was not a day, or even sometimes an hour, that they did not fight with each other. Marissa constantly feared Adam being interested in other women, and would hit him if it even seemed like he was looking at another. Adam often would renege on the things he said [he] would do - i.e. stay the night with her - and would tell her to "shut the fuck up." Their big fights made any of ours pale in comparison. There would be lots of screaming, insults, and even bruises on both sides. And, at one point, potential death or serious injury. I know I never reached such a point with you, and of that I am proud. But I know that I was an asshole to you at times. I made you feel like a possession rather than an equal. I criticized your weight and trivial things like your work ethic/approach. I am so sorry I let myself do that to you, especially since I did not apologize every time it occurred. In all reality, I did not and do not care where you are in your weight as that's something I have no control over. I should have been and will be by your side, not over you, supporting whatever decisions you make. I'm not not sure what came over me, but it no longer exists. I am the Dante that was good to you more than he was bad to you all the time. I know that I cannot take you for granted. I love you. And I miss you.
Yes.
I mean, I know I never hit you, but I was abusive in an emotional sense at numerous points. I've thought about this a lot, but it's been brought to the surface over the last couple of weeks. In that time, I worked with a couple, Adam and Marissa, that's been doing the job for quite some time. Like you, Marissa was Adam's junior, albeit a few years difference instead. I am uncertain as to how long they were together, but it was quite the dynamic. A rather violent and abusive one. There was not a day, or even sometimes an hour, that they did not fight with each other. Marissa constantly feared Adam being interested in other women, and would hit him if it even seemed like he was looking at another. Adam often would renege on the things he said [he] would do - i.e. stay the night with her - and would tell her to "shut the fuck up." Their big fights made any of ours pale in comparison. There would be lots of screaming, insults, and even bruises on both sides. And, at one point, potential death or serious injury. I know I never reached such a point with you, and of that I am proud. But I know that I was an asshole to you at times. I made you feel like a possession rather than an equal. I criticized your weight and trivial things like your work ethic/approach. I am so sorry I let myself do that to you, especially since I did not apologize every time it occurred. In all reality, I did not and do not care where you are in your weight as that's something I have no control over. I should have been and will be by your side, not over you, supporting whatever decisions you make. I'm not not sure what came over me, but it no longer exists. I am the Dante that was good to you more than he was bad to you all the time. I know that I cannot take you for granted. I love you. And I miss you.
From September 13, 2011
I saw your posts about me on Tumblr for the first time today. Believe me when I say that if I knew that I only had two weeks to revitalize our relationship, I would. If I had seen these posts, what I did would not have happened. I took a lot of my stresses out on you when that really should not have happened. In all honesty, though it couldn't show with that meanness, you were the only thing in this world that kept me sane. I felt like a failure when I lost my election, and you were there. Your arms to hold me and tell me that I should be proud of myself was critical. I did not leave the bounds of our relationship because I thought I had more time to revitalize it. I left because for a small moment, I had to have a substitute. When I told you I was tired of the fighting, I meant it. I did not mean I was going to be unfaithful to you because I was tired of it.
Why is that every time I look at a picture of you, new and old, you become more and more beautiful? I dreamed about playing hide-and-seek with you and your dad recently - I wonder if that was the same time you wanted to play the game on campus. You were beautiful in that dream too.
When you text me, it is the highlight of my day. Although I cannot hear your voice directly, I can imagine it, and it sounds calmer than the moments I heard it this summer. I always will hope that calm in your voice when we were together and happy will return.
I hope you think of me. I hope it's not all bad and how terrible I was to you at points. I hope you think of how I'd hold your hand when you were in pain. How I'd kiss your belly button. How it was just us on Carolina Beach one night.
I miss you. I love you. And one day, with all of my heart, we'll be together again.
Why is that every time I look at a picture of you, new and old, you become more and more beautiful? I dreamed about playing hide-and-seek with you and your dad recently - I wonder if that was the same time you wanted to play the game on campus. You were beautiful in that dream too.
When you text me, it is the highlight of my day. Although I cannot hear your voice directly, I can imagine it, and it sounds calmer than the moments I heard it this summer. I always will hope that calm in your voice when we were together and happy will return.
I hope you think of me. I hope it's not all bad and how terrible I was to you at points. I hope you think of how I'd hold your hand when you were in pain. How I'd kiss your belly button. How it was just us on Carolina Beach one night.
I miss you. I love you. And one day, with all of my heart, we'll be together again.
Friday, September 16, 2011
From September 8, 2011
I probably should have started these entries with a disclaimer - that my thoughts may not be organized as I or anyone that may read this probably would prefer. But that probably is a good thing - more honesty.
I want you to be proud of me again, Brittany. I want you to be by my side supporting and advising me in my professional career. I cannot imagine you never being proud of me again. But I know you aren't right now. I understand it wholly. I am not proud of myself either. I portrayed myself as the best boyfriend...as the nice guy who finished last...as the man who never would hurt you. But I let myself do just that. I fell into stereotypes of a typical guy, a black guy, and a politician. I let sexual desire overtake everything I believed in when I committed adultery on May 2. It was like I said "screw the real me," or "take your pride and trust in me and shove it." I never wanted to do that. From the bottom of my heart, I never have set out to hurt you, Brittany. I am so in love, and only with you. To err is human, I did err big time, I know. But it never would happen again if you gave me one final chance. I asked you on the Wednesday before - well, two before - our would-be two-year anniversary what there would be to lose if we tried again. You told me your self-respect, your sanity, and your self-worth. I understand your concern about all three. I really do. But I also should have asked you if that outweighed the gain. Having a boyfriend and life-long partner that would die before going against his devotion to you and the relationship. A boyfriend that would support the decisions you make and be proud of all that you have accomplished. Someone who would tell you he loves you every morning before class and every night before you go to bed. Me. Someone who can't wait to hold you whenever you're near. A man who honestly has learned from his mistakes, maintains a sense of shame, and will do everything to be and maintain himself as an extension of your happiness. Your self-respect, your sanity, and your self-worth would remain intact. I miss you, Brittany. And I love you.
I want you to be proud of me again, Brittany. I want you to be by my side supporting and advising me in my professional career. I cannot imagine you never being proud of me again. But I know you aren't right now. I understand it wholly. I am not proud of myself either. I portrayed myself as the best boyfriend...as the nice guy who finished last...as the man who never would hurt you. But I let myself do just that. I fell into stereotypes of a typical guy, a black guy, and a politician. I let sexual desire overtake everything I believed in when I committed adultery on May 2. It was like I said "screw the real me," or "take your pride and trust in me and shove it." I never wanted to do that. From the bottom of my heart, I never have set out to hurt you, Brittany. I am so in love, and only with you. To err is human, I did err big time, I know. But it never would happen again if you gave me one final chance. I asked you on the Wednesday before - well, two before - our would-be two-year anniversary what there would be to lose if we tried again. You told me your self-respect, your sanity, and your self-worth. I understand your concern about all three. I really do. But I also should have asked you if that outweighed the gain. Having a boyfriend and life-long partner that would die before going against his devotion to you and the relationship. A boyfriend that would support the decisions you make and be proud of all that you have accomplished. Someone who would tell you he loves you every morning before class and every night before you go to bed. Me. Someone who can't wait to hold you whenever you're near. A man who honestly has learned from his mistakes, maintains a sense of shame, and will do everything to be and maintain himself as an extension of your happiness. Your self-respect, your sanity, and your self-worth would remain intact. I miss you, Brittany. And I love you.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
From September 7, 2011
It's an odd feeling, feeling empty. Yesterday was one of the days I felt that to the fullest. I was out doing my job, but I wasn't selling anything. In fact, I felt more like a shell doing a daily routine. There was - though it's more like "is" - a sense of loss, being lost, being ashamed. Many people say that no one can complete you, but I don't know if I agree with that necessarily. If that were the case, what would be the point of falling in love? What would be the point of fighting for the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? The soul lets you know when something or someone is missing. It's letting me know right now.
Something in my heart tells me we will be together again, Brittany. Of course, I have my fears that we won't. That you will be the doting mother of someone else's children. That you will be the beautiful wife of another man. I cannot except that (as) our future. I just can't. You have my heart, and I will fight for years if I have to. The fighting and the pain is worth it if it means I can be with the woman I adore. I made a terrible mistake, and all I want to do is show that that really isn't me.
Something in my heart tells me we will be together again, Brittany. Of course, I have my fears that we won't. That you will be the doting mother of someone else's children. That you will be the beautiful wife of another man. I cannot except that (as) our future. I just can't. You have my heart, and I will fight for years if I have to. The fighting and the pain is worth it if it means I can be with the woman I adore. I made a terrible mistake, and all I want to do is show that that really isn't me.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
From September 5, 2011
(A word for word transcription:)
Four months. Wow. I'm not sure how many people in this world can discern the worst four months of their lives, but I can. From May 5 to today, I've never been so sad and so frustrated. I've kicked myself everyday for what I did, and have hoped everyday that you would forgive me. I have fought as much as you would let me because what I want is you. When I accompanied you to the doctor and they thought we were married, it made me feel that everything would be all right. Though you may contest it to this day, when we cuddled in my bed later on, it made feel that, one day, things would be all right. I am not trying to get away with what I did - as in I can walk all over you and not experience any pain in return. What I'm trying to do is show that I know I made a terrible mistake, and that I'm remorseful. I only want to hold your hand, and to know that one day, I'll be coming home to you, giving you a hug and a kiss. Not hearing sweetness in your voice the past four months has been torture. It's so comforting, and I miss it dearly. I miss you. I love you. I just want to hold your hand again.
"And in this moment..."
Back to posting again. I finally have internet in my new place, so I will be utilizing it heavily.
I started writing a journal recently, and have pondered if I will place it on here, my online journal. It's a tough decision because I never will know who will read it. But it is another place that can be used at therapy, which has me leaning toward posting them. Perhaps what I may do is continue writing them on paper, then posting one or two every week on here...maybe starting tonight. We'll see.
It is safe to say, however, that my life is not where I wanted it to be this month.
I started writing a journal recently, and have pondered if I will place it on here, my online journal. It's a tough decision because I never will know who will read it. But it is another place that can be used at therapy, which has me leaning toward posting them. Perhaps what I may do is continue writing them on paper, then posting one or two every week on here...maybe starting tonight. We'll see.
It is safe to say, however, that my life is not where I wanted it to be this month.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
"You're better winded than to stay/staying in place..."
First post in quite some time. My apologies to those that actually do have some interest in what I have to say.
I lost my first election in November, if you didn't know by now, heh. I was hoping to be the youngest legislator in the South Carolina House this session, but I didn't have enough time and money to convince more people to support me by their votes. I plan to run in 2012, and have no intention of losing like I did last year, especially when I know that Bannister doesn't care about improving the state for everyone.
With that loss, I have been without a job since the precincts reported. It's a very frustrating situation that I know so many are dealing with as well. I have had close encounters with having a decent job, but they've not come to fruition as of yet.
I also have had to deal with bizarre events in my social life, including a loss of a former friend from something blown way out of proportion. Currently, I have two friends - er, acquaintances that feel I and two of my friends have not been good to them..., that we have not lived up to their expectations of us. It is baseless, and I will take that to my grave if necessary. We all love each other, and it's been my intention since our group, Tree Nation, was created, that we'd tough out all the bullshit and continue as actual friends. For the most part, I feel like we've succeeded. We had our sixth annual Christmas - ironic that i call it that considering not all of us are Christians - party and it was enjoyable as usual. We haven't seen some parts of the group in some time, so some start to question if they really can be considered "part of the group." I would say that they are. Life may take us out of Greenville where we all met, but we still have connections. And hopefully those connections are worth something to everyone I consider and want to be a friend.
I hate that I'm done with school. Not for academic reasons, but I feel like I needed more time to make a larger mark on campus. I miss my friends, and the groups I adored. I wish I would have had more time to play music with Michelle, Lorena, and Brittany J. Hopefully The Summer After can reunite and put something together in the future.
Speaking of music, I reunited with the members of my first band, Gama Amplia, back in October. I had proposed doing a one-off album to Nick, the bassist, but he was wary of such actions. I can't say that I blame him. It seemed like something that never would happen, but we did it. We played in a music room down at USC, and had good portions of that playing recorded. He, Mat, and Rachel have met again, as well as just he and Rachel, but Gama Amplia has not been in the same room since. I figured it would be a slow process to get anything off the ground, and that our musical differences could get in the way. And because of that, I've decided to put out some solo music, with the intention of having my first album completed and released by the end of this year, hopefully sooner. It will be titled "Study War No More." I often feel like the three of them as a band would work more efficiently, leaving me the odd person out. As long as I have somewhere to express myself - and even if it means I don't play my music with a consistent group of musicians - I may be able to settle with just drumming for Gama Amplia.
Unfortunately, I failed my license test again yesterday. I know, I should have had it years ago and wanted to, but family matters got in the way. Nevertheless, I know how to drive, but I was confused by a direction given to me yesterday, and that sent the whole test down the damn drain. Rage./ I can try again in two weeks, which is okay, though I think should be able to try again much sooner. Once I get that, though, I might be getting a car in relatively rapid succession, which is good. There are so many people I want to see and places I'd like to go that all of my friends have had the opportunity to do on their own for years. My day needs to come, and soon.
Before I go, I am happy to report the improving of my overall ability to play basketball and my membership in a three/four-person basketball team known as the Monarchs. My friends David, Caitlin, and myself decided after countless times of playing Horse that we should be a streetball team and eventually take on other area teams. Not gonna lie, we still aren't anywhere close to good, but our game has improved drastically, and the chemistry is good. Look out, Greenville.
Monarch out.
I lost my first election in November, if you didn't know by now, heh. I was hoping to be the youngest legislator in the South Carolina House this session, but I didn't have enough time and money to convince more people to support me by their votes. I plan to run in 2012, and have no intention of losing like I did last year, especially when I know that Bannister doesn't care about improving the state for everyone.
With that loss, I have been without a job since the precincts reported. It's a very frustrating situation that I know so many are dealing with as well. I have had close encounters with having a decent job, but they've not come to fruition as of yet.
I also have had to deal with bizarre events in my social life, including a loss of a former friend from something blown way out of proportion. Currently, I have two friends - er, acquaintances that feel I and two of my friends have not been good to them..., that we have not lived up to their expectations of us. It is baseless, and I will take that to my grave if necessary. We all love each other, and it's been my intention since our group, Tree Nation, was created, that we'd tough out all the bullshit and continue as actual friends. For the most part, I feel like we've succeeded. We had our sixth annual Christmas - ironic that i call it that considering not all of us are Christians - party and it was enjoyable as usual. We haven't seen some parts of the group in some time, so some start to question if they really can be considered "part of the group." I would say that they are. Life may take us out of Greenville where we all met, but we still have connections. And hopefully those connections are worth something to everyone I consider and want to be a friend.
I hate that I'm done with school. Not for academic reasons, but I feel like I needed more time to make a larger mark on campus. I miss my friends, and the groups I adored. I wish I would have had more time to play music with Michelle, Lorena, and Brittany J. Hopefully The Summer After can reunite and put something together in the future.
Speaking of music, I reunited with the members of my first band, Gama Amplia, back in October. I had proposed doing a one-off album to Nick, the bassist, but he was wary of such actions. I can't say that I blame him. It seemed like something that never would happen, but we did it. We played in a music room down at USC, and had good portions of that playing recorded. He, Mat, and Rachel have met again, as well as just he and Rachel, but Gama Amplia has not been in the same room since. I figured it would be a slow process to get anything off the ground, and that our musical differences could get in the way. And because of that, I've decided to put out some solo music, with the intention of having my first album completed and released by the end of this year, hopefully sooner. It will be titled "Study War No More." I often feel like the three of them as a band would work more efficiently, leaving me the odd person out. As long as I have somewhere to express myself - and even if it means I don't play my music with a consistent group of musicians - I may be able to settle with just drumming for Gama Amplia.
Unfortunately, I failed my license test again yesterday. I know, I should have had it years ago and wanted to, but family matters got in the way. Nevertheless, I know how to drive, but I was confused by a direction given to me yesterday, and that sent the whole test down the damn drain. Rage./ I can try again in two weeks, which is okay, though I think should be able to try again much sooner. Once I get that, though, I might be getting a car in relatively rapid succession, which is good. There are so many people I want to see and places I'd like to go that all of my friends have had the opportunity to do on their own for years. My day needs to come, and soon.
Before I go, I am happy to report the improving of my overall ability to play basketball and my membership in a three/four-person basketball team known as the Monarchs. My friends David, Caitlin, and myself decided after countless times of playing Horse that we should be a streetball team and eventually take on other area teams. Not gonna lie, we still aren't anywhere close to good, but our game has improved drastically, and the chemistry is good. Look out, Greenville.
Monarch out.
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